Radical Acceptance

I know that I am questioning reality right now. 

Is she really going out with him?

Did she really just shut off her feelings for me and move on?

Isn't there something that I can do?

The reality is that she stopped loving me a long time ago.

She made moves to live a life beyond what we had together.

The reality is that she has moved on with another man

and I can't change past or the present.

Was it because we could have no children?Did she leave because she felt I gave more to my previous family than I was giving to her?

Did she leave because I had bout of temper,

temper that made her feel like less than she was?

Yes, I did this to her. 

I take responsibility for her pain.

I do not take responsibility for her leaving-- that was her choice.

I could not give her what she ultimately desired.

She wanted children and a family, but we could not conceive.

She wanted me to do less for my past and more for our present and future,

but I was love constrained by love for my son

and legal papers.

When I felt inadequate, 

I lashed out at the world, 

and she took the brunt of my insecurities.

I never meant to hurt her. 

I can't ever express my sorrow completely.

I met her,

and I had no control over my heart.

I tried not to fall in love with her, 

but the more I struggled against it, the more my heart prevailed.

I had no control over falling in love with her,

but I do have control over how I proceed

now that she has taken her love away from me.

I have this talent

for telling myself how stupid I am,

How worthless I am,

How I am not worthy of happiness.

I point out things that I use as proof,

data to back up my hypothesis

that I don't deserve happiness.

The fact is,

I loved her with all of my heart.

The fact is

that I put her needs in front of my own.

The fact is

that I am a man who does that for people I love.

I care for my family.

I don't easily abandon people.

I fight for loyalty.

I strive for other people's happiness above my own.

I have walked away

from dreams of my own

when they were not convenient for others.

I have succeeded in life. 

I have held my job for over 25 years.

I have improved myself,

my skill,

my abilities in my job.

I have completed a degree program at university.

I continue to write, 

I create stories and poems, 

though I seek no publication or credit.

What will I do

once I am healed in body, mind, heart, and soul?

How will I act?

I will love again-- it is in my nature.

I will not lie to myself,

the day will come

when I will find another mwho loves me back.

I will not be the man who I have been.

I will not bottle my emotions.

I will not lash out in anger.

I will not hurt her for my shortcomings

I will not allow multiple sclerosis

to be my excuse for inaction.

I will exercise.

I will build myself.

I will smile more,

laugh more,

I will speak less,

listen more,

I will continue to care for those who I love

I will also put more care into myself.