Radical Acceptance

I know that I am questioning reality right now. Is she really going out with him?Did she really just shut off her feelings for me and move on?Isn't there something that I can do?

The reality is that she stopped loving me a long time ago.She made moves to live a life beyond what we had together.The reality is that she has moved on with another manand I can't change past or the present.

Was it because we could have no children?Did she leave because she felt I gave more to my previous family than I was giving to her?Did she leave because I had bout of temper, temper that made her feel like less than she was?

Yes, I did this to her.  I take responsibility for her pain. I do not take responsibility for her leaving-- that was her choice. I could not give her what she ultimately desired. She wanted children and a family, but we could not conceive. She wanted me to do less for my past and more for our present and future, but I was love constrained by love for my son and legal papers.

When I felt inadequate,  I lashed out at the world,  and she took the brunt of my insecurities. I never meant to hurt her.  I can't ever express my sorrow completely.

I met her, and I had no control over my heart. I tried not to fall in love with her,  but the more I struggled against it,  the more my heart prevailed. I had no control over falling in love with her, but I do have control over how I proceed now that she has taken her love away from me.

I have this talent for telling myself how stupid I am, How worthless I am, How I am not worthy of happiness. I point out things that I use as proof, data to back up my hypothesis that I don't deserve happiness.

The fact is, I loved her with all of my heart. The fact is that I put her needs in front of my own. The fact is that I am a man who does that for people I love. I care for my family. I don't easily abandon people. I fight for loyalty. I strive for other people's happiness above my own. I have walked away from dreams of my own when they were not convenient for others. I have succeeded in life.  I have held my job for over 25 years. I have improved myself, my skill, my abilities in my job. I have completed a degree program at university. I continue to write,  I create stories and poems,  though I seek no publication or credit.

 What will I do once I am healed in body, mind, heart, and soul? How will I act? I will love again-- it is in my nature. I will not lie to myself, the day will come when I will find another who loves me back.

I will not be the man who I have been. I will not bottle my emotions. I will not lash out in anger. I will not hurt her for my shortcomings I will not allow multiple sclerosis to be my excuse for inaction.

I will exercise. I will build myself. I will smile more, laugh more, I will speak less, listen more, I will continue to care for those who I love I will also put more care into myself.