Friday, September 26, 2008

Judeo-Christian Buddhist

Like many of the Buddhist meetings that I attended, I sat at the feet of one of our leaders and listened to him teach. Unlike many, this man was the leader for our entire organization in the United States of America. I am not sure of the name that his parents gave him at birth, but his Japanese countenance and accent told me that it was not George M. Williams.

Sensei…that’s what I called him.

I was with a small group of young men in the brass band practice room of the Denver Culture Center. He asked us what we were reading, it was important to always be reading. I was reading Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina at the time. I had to hold back from mocking the answers that others gave: Shakespeare. Shakespeare didn’t write to be read…he wrote his plays to be seen.

(Obviously some guys were just trying to impress him. I later confirmed that none of them knew the difference between “Romeo and Juliet” and “The Taming of the Shrew.”)

At any rate, we were sitting and he was teaching. He asked me directly how my chanting was going. I told him that I tried to chant every day, but some days were harder than others. An honest answer, which is what I thought he wanted.

He nodded briefly, harrumphed, and then came out with a remark that has stuck with me for 16 years. “You must just ignore the distractions of the world and chant. Otherwise you are living a half-hearted religion, and not true Buddhism. You are, now a Judeo-Christian Buddhist.”

They all laughed at this intended stinger. I blushed at the assumed insult and thought a lot about what it meant to be a “true Buddhist” as opposed to a “Judeo-Christian Buddhist.” Well, I wasn’t in a monastery living a removed existence, so I would have to agree with my sensei: I was allowing myself to be distracted by the opinions of the world. I believed that the soul was internal. I knew that the universe worked on a cause and effect basis…thus karma. I chanted, but I wanted to get off of my knees and “do” things as well. Besides a commitment issue, what other things would spin my Buddhism in a Judeo-Christian slant?

Well to qualify for the Judeo part I would have to believe that I was a part of God’s own chosen people. I would have to follow the 10 Commandments and look forward to a Messiah. I would have to follow a diet prescribed by God himself. Circumcision? Yeah, that too.

Christianity would require, first and foremost, that I believe in Jesus Christ. That would mean that I believed in God as well, the Bible, prophets, the Holy Ghost, prayer, baptism, and serving my fellow beings as if I were serving God himself. I would have to love God and then love my neighbor.
That was some time ago, 17 or 18 years, and my religious life has come full circle.

As a young man I shied away from my family’s religion, Mormon, because I didn’t want people to think that I was “weird.” I was afraid that someone would ask about my “golden Bible”, or want me to tell them about Joseph Smith. Someone might ask me why coffee and tea are evil, or why I didn’t dance. Someone might even ask me if I had my tail and horns removed at birth. I had a mohawk, pierced ears, wore make-up, sang in a band, hung out with actors and artists, lived in my car, and begged on the streets for handout change…but I didn’t want anyone to think that I was “weird.”

Weird.

Now, when people inquire about my religion, I tell them that I am a Judeo-Christian Buddhist. I could tell them that I am a Mormon, but that invites stereotypes that are neither fair nor true. I could say that I am LDS, but so very few people know what that means, and it forces me to further clarify by saying that I am a Mormon…back to the unfair and untrue stereotypical thinking.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I know that God’s Plan of Salvation is based on cause and effect: “what we sow, so also shall we reap.” I know that our spirits are eternal, and that this life is just the mortal portion of our existence. I know that God chose Abraham and his family to bless the world…not just to receive blessings that no one else could enjoy. I am a descendant of Ephraim (the grandson of Israel himself) and thus a part of God’s chosen people. I strive to keep the 10 commandments. I keep the Word of Wisdom by abstaining from tea, coffee, tobacco, alcohol, and drugs while eating small portions of meat, grains, vegetables, and fruits in their seasons. I am baptized. I pray. I read the scriptures and seek guidance from the Holy Ghost. I pay to heed the words of the prophets. I serve others whenever and wherever I can.

A good Mormon is the best Judeo-Christian Buddhist around.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

What NBC Didn't Show from Bejing This Year...

I gotta Say that this guy has my respect...at least for his physical strength. I have to rescind that respect however due to the pink ribbons in his hair.

HOT PEPPERS

23 May 1994

Nobody likes it when others laugh at them, or think of them as “unmanly.” In our foolish pride (is their any other kind?) we set out each day to “prove ourselves” to a world that does not even know we exist.

Oh vainglorious pride!

Oh the pains we inflict upon ourselves!

This morning, Elder Rowley and I stopped into a colmado for a cool beverage and a banana. As we stepped into the store we interrupted a conversation…ABOUT ME. I had gained a reputation in the small town of Las Matas de Farfán for my love of the picante (#). There at the counter four men had gathered to talk of the "gringo' who ate picante," and my walking in at that precise moment proved a dream come true for them. Instantly they came down on me: could I eat the ají piquenó?

Could I eat the ají piquenó? I scoffed at the challenge. I can eat anything hot that this island has to offer. Not that it wouldn’t hurt…but I can eat it. So I quickly puffed out my chest, strutted my strut, and in the place of crowing gave a loud and proud “Que si!”.

I had eaten the ají piquenó before, our maid Laura had brought some in for me to try. It hurt. I won’t lie to you that little pepper had a sting that made my eyes water for a day. It hurt worse than wasabe, worse than kimshe, worse than the jabañeros of which my Tex-Mex friends are so proud. It had a thermonuclear kind of heat that I can’t describe...except to say "thermonuclear." Still, I had eaten one before and knew that I could eat one for them at this time.

The man threw down three ají piquenós on the counter.

¡TRES!

I scooped them up and calmly ate all three. I could not back down…I was the "gringo who ate picante." Quite a crowd had formed (by that I mean one old woman who wanted to buy some talapia,) and I was eager to demonstrate my manhood to a few people who didn’t really care. They just wanted to see a gringo in pain...

Oh vainglorious pride!

Oh the pains we inflict upon ourselves!

Counting myself, I impressed exactly zero people with my manliness. No one sang praises and hails to my name. Instead they laughed at me has I turned red and tried chuckle away my pain. When is it that I will learn? How much more pain will I allow myself to endure? Did I not climb that loma* searching for the respect of a bunch of teenaged boys? From that I gained nothing but physical and emotional anguish. Now I once again put myself though physical pain…and gained nothing.

My prayers are that I can learn from these experiences and leave the pride of men here in (©)Las Matas.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(#) Dominican food, though yummy in it’s own way, lacks a certain spice that I like when I eat my beans and rice.
(*) Stay tuned for an upcoming post telling the story of “La Loma”
(©) I didn’t quite leave all of it behind…some of it has stayed with me through the years.

Monday, September 1, 2008

I Hope that My Sister Drops by to Read My Blog...

Living with MS

I remember going to school at Dennison Elementary…the 2nd grade. That year our school held a read-a-thon to benefit the National MS Society. In the school assembly they told the worst case scenario for a person with MS. Oh, then they followed it up by telling us that something like 20,000 people a year are diagnosed with the disease.

20,000 people…are there that many people in the world? I was 8…what did I know? The whole thing terrified me so much that I read every book that I could find as if my reading alone would provide a cure. I was sure that all of us were going to have MS and suffer in a wheel chair our whole lives.

Fast forward to the fall of 1998 I found myself working as a contractor up at IBM in Boulder, CO. I was going to school, working full time, and helping my wife deal with some serious anxiety attacks. I was sure that my nerves had to be pinched, shot, and bungled…so I wasn’t too surprised when I lost all of the feeling in the right hand side of my body. I endured it quietly for about a month before I told my wife. Jen called both my mom and her mom to see what we should do (they both have medical backgrounds.) Her mom was calm; mine berated her for not looking after me, told her that I had obviously suffered a stroke, and called an ambulance to pick me up at work.

Like anyone at that sprawling campus knew who I was. The receptionist stepped into a high level meeting to see if any one of the managers attending there knew me. They searched the campus until my manager finally led the leading minds of IBM to my desk.

I love my mom...I really do..really...I do...

Yeah, it wasn't a stroke. The numbness faded, and moved over to the left side...then the right...then the left... I really thought that I had some seriously stressed out nerves (probably due to my mom.) Then the vertigo hit…and it hit hard.

I was in rehearsals to play Mayor Shinn in “The Music Man” when I very suddenly could not tell my ups from my downs. I’m not talking “oh I’m a little queasy” dizziness. No, I am talking about the world spinning for weeks on end. I even felt it spinning when I tried to sleep. Anything that I ate bounced back up like a big red rubber ball on a four-square court. It went away, only to come back a few more times.

I finally worked may way into a permanent job with AT&T and got a real good family doctor for Jen and myself. I made the appointment for a complete physical (not having had one since before my mission in 1993.) It was complete…more so than I ever wanted to be…

...oh the shame...

I talked with my doctor about my recurring numbness and vertigo. Dr. Drex (cool name…eh?) set me up for an MRI to see what was bugging my brain. It turned out to be about 30 lesions. He referred me to Dr. Ronald Murray at the Rocky Mountain MS Center who had another MRI study done of my cervical cortex…it was twice as bad as the first MRI.

MS was tearing away my synoptic functions. Truthfully, when my doctor diagnosed me with MS I felt releif. It wasn't a tumor about to take my life. It wasn't something completely foriegn. I had been keeping track of the research on this disease since 1976.

So in 2001 I started with the shots. I began with Rebif three days a week. I started out injecting myself, but decided to include Jen on my treatment. Dr. Murray left the MS center almost right after I started, and it left me neurologist-less for a while…that is until I found Dr. Cynthia Blake. I kept up the injections, but I still suffered from at least one exacerbation a year. I had to do more than I was doing.

In 2003 I started pushing myself to exercise more often. I lifted weights and even started running (such as it was)…I even made it up to a mile and a half on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Early one morning in the summer of 2003 I was at Sir Isaac Newton Middle School running when my left leg decided not to work as well as the right. I started losing strength, and having a hard time keeping balance.

Apparently exercise wasn’t the key to beating MS.

I tried acupressure and acupuncture, but outside of some bruising (I bruise like a peach) and counterproductive needle holes…no changes came of my condition. My left leg kept getting weaker and weaker. My hands kept losing feeling.

I read somewhere once that playing music helped to build neural pathways. I needed some of them neural pathway thingies, so I started taking piano lessons from my MIL. That included some performing (man, I do love performing) and lots of practice. I also took up painting pewter miniatures (fantasy of course) to help improve my motor control.

Still, I suffered about an exacerbation year. I had to endure a week's worth of infusions (Solumedrol) followed by another 10 days of Prednesone . For some reasons the exacerbations usually came around Thanksgiving or Christmas. One of the great side effects of Solumedrol is that it makes everything that passes by my tongue taste like tin. That included candied yams, turkey, cranberry sauce, cornbread stuffing, sugar cookies, and most likely tin would taste more like tin.

Yuck…

Dr. Blake lasted about a year and she decided to move on her career…move on without her patients. So I was less-than-neurologist-ful again. I implemented the internet and my health insurance provider to find my next brain doctor: I can’t even remember her name. I liked her, she was competent, but she didn’t like the paperwork that came with corporate America. I was still receiving infusions annually, and needed my wife to help me on those times. My doctor didn’t like working with my wife’s employer to get FMLA approved. Jen almost lost her job…I fired my neurologist after about 18 months.

In 2006 I started seeing a chiropractor, Dr. Mike Pesta. I went to see him weekly, and he did some miraculous stuff with my spine. Also, I ran into a supplement called Kalawala. Now I will tell you all right out that I am never averse to trying something new. I take my vitamins (extra B complex, Lecithin, Vitamin D, Calcium, and Magnesium) regularly as well as the ever mysterious Sunrider Quinary (secret Chinese herb and mineral blend for optimal health.) I tried Malave (which I call “mala fe”…it’s only funny if you habla español) but I found myself in the .01% of the population that can’t stand the taste of the Açai berry.

But Kalawala…magic in a capsule. I take my shots, take my vitamins, exercise (as much as my bum leg lets me), take my Kalawala, and see my chiropractor on Saturday mornings...and live a surprisingly normal (if not somewhat gimpy) life.

My new neurologist, Dr. Kelts, inherited an older and wiser MS patient. He see’s beautiful MRI’s with not only no new lesions, but improved areas where old lesions had become “black holes” on my brain and cervical cortex. I have, through the efforts of Dr. Pesta, received much of the strength back in my left leg. I walk my dog every day, eat right, and relax when I can.

I learned that life with relapsing/remitting MS does not mean that I am disabled. I work, I play, I write, I go to school, I care for my wife and family…I am in control of my life. I define my MS…it does not define me.