Retirement

I have been taking to the retirement specialist from the union. It has been getting harder to move each day. My thinking has been fuzzy. What does that mean? It means that my mind is not sharp. 

So now I am looking at the end of my life at AT&T. I thought I could make the last 15 years, but that won’t be the case. Now I’m thinking about what comes next. 

I have been thinking about getting my license to be a notary public. Also, I would like to write grant proposals. That will also take certification. Once Troy graduates and goes in his mission, I will take a look around the country and find where I belong. 

Maybe I’ll get an RV and drive all over until I find my space. Perhaps I will drive alone, or maybe I will have someone special at my side. I don’t really know what my future holds— I just know that it doesn’t hold AT&T.

Radical Acceptance

I know that I am questioning reality right now. 

Is she really going out with him?

Did she really just shut off her feelings for me and move on?

Isn't there something that I can do?

The reality is that she stopped loving me a long time ago.

She made moves to live a life beyond what we had together.

The reality is that she has moved on with another man

and I can't change past or the present.

Was it because we could have no children?Did she leave because she felt I gave more to my previous family than I was giving to her?

Did she leave because I had bout of temper,

temper that made her feel like less than she was?

Yes, I did this to her. 

I take responsibility for her pain.

I do not take responsibility for her leaving-- that was her choice.

I could not give her what she ultimately desired.

She wanted children and a family, but we could not conceive.

She wanted me to do less for my past and more for our present and future,

but I was love constrained by love for my son

and legal papers.

When I felt inadequate, 

I lashed out at the world, 

and she took the brunt of my insecurities.

I never meant to hurt her. 

I can't ever express my sorrow completely.

I met her,

and I had no control over my heart.

I tried not to fall in love with her, 

but the more I struggled against it, the more my heart prevailed.

I had no control over falling in love with her,

but I do have control over how I proceed

now that she has taken her love away from me.

I have this talent

for telling myself how stupid I am,

How worthless I am,

How I am not worthy of happiness.

I point out things that I use as proof,

data to back up my hypothesis

that I don't deserve happiness.

The fact is,

I loved her with all of my heart.

The fact is

that I put her needs in front of my own.

The fact is

that I am a man who does that for people I love.

I care for my family.

I don't easily abandon people.

I fight for loyalty.

I strive for other people's happiness above my own.

I have walked away

from dreams of my own

when they were not convenient for others.

I have succeeded in life. 

I have held my job for over 25 years.

I have improved myself,

my skill,

my abilities in my job.

I have completed a degree program at university.

I continue to write, 

I create stories and poems, 

though I seek no publication or credit.

What will I do

once I am healed in body, mind, heart, and soul?

How will I act?

I will love again-- it is in my nature.

I will not lie to myself,

the day will come

when I will find another mwho loves me back.

I will not be the man who I have been.

I will not bottle my emotions.

I will not lash out in anger.

I will not hurt her for my shortcomings

I will not allow multiple sclerosis

to be my excuse for inaction.

I will exercise.

I will build myself.

I will smile more,

laugh more,

I will speak less,

listen more,

I will continue to care for those who I love

I will also put more care into myself.

Foundation and Trust in God

How firmly have I built my life’s foundation?How strictly do I base my faith in God?Do I trust the love of my great saviorAnd hold fast to the sturdy iron rod?

How strong do I maintain my fearful grip?Will I survive the brutal test of time?Do I possess the might and staminaTo complete this high and lofty climb?

Have I cultivated the grace required To grant forgiveness to my fellow man?Do I even comprehend all my partIn God’s great salvation providing plan?

I may not know all that there is to know But God has taught me all I need to know.